I Hope This Email Finds You Never

Book excerpt: Ahhh, the modern workplace: a cauldron of stress and anxiety. From the moment we accept a new role, we’re thrown into a world of competing personalities, shifting protocols, and an endless stream of emails, Slack messages, and Zoom calls, all of which serve to distract us from the things we truly want to be doing, like eating Thai food and sleeping until noon. I Hope This Email Finds You Never puts aside the motivational screeds, productivity hacks, and pop-science, and focuses instead on those things in the workplace that truly cause us grief—like a coworker eating an apple during a video call—in a lighthearted, entertaining, and (most importantly) cynical way. Some things you’ll learn: How long you can get away with being “new” until you’re held accountable How to make it look like you’re sorry without giving up any power How to find a workplace friend and make a workplace enemy Camera position: how to set up your laptop for maximum dominance Organizing your calendar while leaving time to cry The rules of the kitchen (stealing someone’s yogurt is literally a crime) Writing a letter of resignation when you’ve already been resigned from day one From Orientation (The Descent), Workplace Etiquette (No Eye Contact Before 11 AM), Working Remotely (Wink Wink), Coworkers (Getting Along with your fellow inmates), and everything in between, I Hope This Email Finds You Never is your must-have guide to surviving (thriving is not realistic) in the modern workplace.