Consumer Joe

Book excerpt: In the bestselling tradition of "The Lazlow Letters" and "Letters from a Nut," screenwriter Paul Davidson has been firing off humble but humorous letters to Fortune 500 companies to find answers to such hot-button questions like why hasn't Minute Maid begun to sell an all pulp, juice-free product yet, and whether it's safe to microwave a bowl of Marshmallow Fluff on high for ten minutes. And the funny thing is . . . consumer-care departments everywhere have been writing back to him, addressing his queries with deadpan seriousness. Collecting dozens of selections from Davidson's funniest correspondence, "Consumer Joe" uncovers why a box of fifty envelopes only contained forty-seven and how colorblind people are supposed to tell whether their Ziploc baggies ("yellow and blue makes green") are properly sealed, while making numerous product-improvement suggestions along the way (such as adding Tuna Melt flavor to the Jamba Juice product line). Taking aim at the increasingly advertising-sponsored society, "Consumer Joe" features utterly absurd but irresistible missives to companies ranging from Barnes & Noble and Fed-Ex to Southwest Airlines and Taco Bell. Full of kvetches we all can relate to, "Consumer Joe" is poised to become the patron saint of every beleaguered shopper.