The Official Dirty Johnny Jokebook

Book excerpt: “Can I,” Dirty Johnny asked his mother, “have some money for candy?”“What happened to the five-dollar allowance I give you every Saturday?” asked mom.“I've been giving it to the old homeless man in the park.”Mom is so proud of her son. His charity and giving spirit; his humanity. She opens her wallet and hands him a five dollar bill. “I'm very proud of you Johnny, sharing the way you have been. But this money you keep for yourself. If you continue giving money to the homeless they'll never get a job.”“But this homeless guy has a job.”“Really? What does he do?”“Every Saturday morning, for five dollars, he sucks my cock.”The sex-education teacher drew a penis on the blackboard and asked the class, “does anybody know what this is?”Dirty Johnny stands up and says, “It's a cock. My dad has two of them.”“Your father has two penises?” asked the teacher.“Yeah. The little one he pisses out of and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth.” A pit bull chased Dirty Johnny up a tree. The owner came by and said, “Sorry kid. I was bringing him to the vet's to have his balls snipped. The operation will calm him down, this will never happen again.”“I have a better idea, asshole,” said Johnny. “Why don't you remove his teeth? I could see from a block away he wasn't going to fuck me.”Dirty Johnny calls up the principal and says, “I'm sick and can't come to school today.” “Johnny,” asks the principal, “how sick are you?”“I just,” says Johnny, “fucked my grandma up the ass is that sick enough for you?”“Okay class,” says the teacher, “I'm going through the alphabet and I'm going to call on someone for the letters a, b, c, and so on. When called upon, say a word that starts with that letter then use that word in a sentence.” Immediately, Dirty Johnny's hand is in the air but the teacher can't call on him because he'll say ass, then bitch, cunt, damn, excrement, fuck, goddam, horseshit, intercourse, jackin' off etc. Finally she gets to z. There's no swear word that starts with z. so she calls on Dirty Johnny who says, “Z. Zoo. Last summer I went to the zoo and saw an elephant that had the biggest fucking cock I have ever seen.” The civics teacher said, “Class, I am going to tell you every attribute you need to have in order to be elected president of the United States.”“Fucking liar,” said Dirty Johnny.“That, ironically, is number one on the list.”Dirty Johnny got an electric train for Christmas. He quickly assembled the train and began playing conductor: “All aboard, you assholes. All whores sit in the aisle seats. That will facilitate all the cock sucking you'll be doing today.”“Johnny,” said his mother, rushing in from the kitchen, “you turn that train off and sit in the corner for a half hour. Using language like that!”A half hour later Johnny switches his train back on and says, “Good day and welcome to DFJ railways. I hope you enjoy your journey; if there are any complaints about the delay in service you can talk to the fucking bitch in the kitchen.” A behavioral psychologist devised an experiment to test how quickly children can associate color with taste. The experiment consisted of placing a bowl of Life Savers in front of a group of second graders. After a few tries the kids would say: “Red tastes just like cherry. Yellow tastes just like pineapple. Green…Lime, Orange…Orange.”Then he gave them a honey Life Saver, but none of them could identify it. He said, “I'll give you a hint. This flavor is something your mommy calls your daddy.”Dirty Johnny said, “Spit them out! He's feeding us assholes.” Dirty Johnny says to his neighbor, “Mom's sick and I need $100 to check her into the hospital.”“How do I know,” says the neighbor, “that you won't spend the money on drugs?”“Fuck you,” says Johnny. “I've got drug money.”Many many many more sick and twisted Dirty Johnny jokes inside...