No Happy Endings

Book excerpt: Fantine Park is not the woman her mother was — she’s certainly not the safecracker her mother was either. Hell, she’s not much of anything useful these days. Fresh off parole after a stint in the joint for a poorly thought out casino robbery, Fantine finds herself confronted by an old partner of her mother’s and right back in the thick of it. Unfortunately, the man dragging her back to the life she left behind, one Aleksei Uryvich, is a complete bully and an idiot — content to believe he can get anything he wants with his brutish nature and the threat of a bullet for Fan’s elderly father, Jae. The score: semen. Yes, semen. Gallons of it. Particularly, the genetic man-batter from supposed Ivy Leaguers and other elite. The material nets top dollar from Asia and Aleksei is foaming at the mouth at the profit potential. The plan: there is no real plan. Fantine has to get it out of Evensight Storage; a sperm bank situated right by the Battery Park Tunnel in Manhattan. A place barely anyone but a sad sack with an empty sack sees the inside of on a day to day basis. There’s no guarantee anyone involved in this mess is getting out alive, especially when Fantine finds herself face to face with the psychopath known as O Leiteiro — The Milkman. Praise for NO HAPPY ENDINGS … “This Angel from hell writes hardcore pulp fiction as sick, slick, funny, and thrilling as Willeford meets Westlake. Fantine Park is a great new bad-ass heroine.” — Thomas Pluck, author of Blade of Dishonor and Bad Boy Boogie “In No Happy Endings, Angel Colón milks every drop of tension as he leads his heroine, Fantine, from one sticky situation to another. Try to read with your fingers covering your eyes, hoping to shield your eyes from the nonstop action, violence, and mayhem as the reader cranks along to an inevitable, satisfying climax.” — Eryk Pruitt, author of Dirtbags and Hashtag “Imagine an oversexed-on-speed remake of Big Trouble in Little China as told by the Krays, or maybe a club-kid update of Jim Thompson’s The Alcoholics, and you still don’t come anywhere near the depravity, perversion, and holy mind fuck of this latest offering by Angel Colón. No Happy Endings takes the time-tested trope of retired robber on a final heist, and with more double crosses than Jesus after a three-day bender, delivers one of the most weirdly original, satisfying, and unexpected capers of the year.” — Joe Clifford, author of Junkie Love and the Jay Porter Thriller Series “No Happy Endings is a trip of a book. Right from the first sentence, you know you’ve entered Colón’s world of dark humor and interesting positions. This is tale of Fantine Park, a young safe cracker who gets mixed up in one bizarre New York situation — sperm bank fraud, if that’s what you call it. With Colon’s popping wry prose, No Happy Endings moves at a breakneck pace, is fabulously entertaining, and has one of the best female leads you’ll read in a long time.” — Jen Conley, author of Cannibals: Stories from the Edge of the Pine Barrens “Deftly mixing a delightfully twisted premise with deliciously dark humor and an authentic emotional core, No Happy Endings firmly positions Angel Luis Colón as a top voice in the new generation of crime fiction writers. I can’t wait to see what he comes up with next.” — Holly West, Anthony Award-nominated author of the Mistress of Fortune series “Not only does No Happy Endings deliver on the outrageous premise, Angel Colón somehow manages to make it absolutely plausible. A true page-turner packed with colorful characters, biting one-liners and some of the most repulsive murder scenes a twisted mind could conjure.” — S.W. Lauden, author of Crosswise “This is a heist book like no other, perfectly captured by Colón’s intense, no-frills style. Loaded with dark humor, tightly-choreographed action and a memorable protagonist in Fantine Park, No Happy Endings hits hard, with a jaw-breaking impact that won’t fade overnight.” — Alex Segura, author of Silent City and Down the Darkest Street