Rubber Balls and Liquor

Book excerpt: “More than a national treasure, he’s a secret weapon. If we had had Gilbert Gottfried in World War II, Hitler would have given up in 1942.” —Stephen King In the early 1970s, as our nation’s youth railed against every conceivable societal norm, a funny-looking teenage Jew started turning up at open mike nights in various New York City comedy clubs. Surprisingly, he didn’t suck. That funny-looking teenage Jew is now the even funnier-looking middle-aged comedian Gilbert Gottfried, who despite his transparent shortcomings has managed to carve out a hardly-respectable career—and a reputation for shock and awe unrivaled outside the Bush administration. With this scathingly funny book of rants and musings, Gottfried sullies an entirely new medium with his dysfunctional worldview. Hilarious highlights include: Gut-wrenching stories from his bizarre childhood A list of celebrities Gilbert would like to have sex with A somewhat shorter list of celebrities who would like to have sex with Gilbert An even shorter list of Gilbert’s comely co-stars who have been forced to have sex with him on-screen Side-splitting tales of the worst gigs he’s ever performed Incredibly awkward encounters with famous people from Gilbert’s years as a celebrity (of sorts), including Harrison Ford, Kiefer Sutherland, Hugh Hefner and one wildly offensive exchange with Marlee Matlin that left the actress speechless Signature takes on timeless jokes, presented in a clip ‘n’ save format so humorless readers can commit them to memory or tear them from the book’s spine and carry them around in their wallets to amuse their friends The story behind Gilbert’s infamous retelling of the classic “Aristocrats” routine that defined the most recent phase of his career And much more!